Paying for sex has long been characterised as an inevitable behaviour among men, and this has continued to raise interesting questions relating to sexuality and deviance in men who do solicit prostitutes, ‘runs girls’ or ‘call girls’ or permit Bonano to use their common name ‘Slay Queens’. The question is, are these men “normal”? Is there anything that sets them apart from the rest of the population, other than their tendency to pay for sex?
Bonano believes in the assertion that your friends, loved ones, neighbours and colleagues are paying for sex everywhere all the time. Men of all ages, races, religions, and backgrounds do it. “Rich men do it, and poor men do it.” The shocking fact is not just that sex for money is pervasive, it is that the customer is the everyman, or do I say the “John next Door”?
It is a reliable fact that to most men, paying for sex is pure short-term satisfaction, and they are comfortable with the total lack of emotional involvement and the fact that there is no deception. They want sex, she wants money. And if they can both enjoy themselves in the process, then so much the better. What is more, sex is almost always very enjoyable. The fact that they do not know each other propels them to experiment and have adventures in a way that each would be nervous to do with a long-term partner.
Bonano, in his sojourn to inquire why most men take pleasure in paying for sex rather than having a steady relationship, was amazed by the shocking revelation that was laid bare on the table. With much wine and green bottles to enhance the flow of discussion, hear what my men have in stock.
First guy: “It’s hard for me to talk about this as I still cannot actually believe that I did something so stupid. My girlfriend had just walked out on me at the end of a very bad relationship, and I was at home, drunk and lonely, so I decided to go online and get a girl to come over. I made the phone call, got a price and booked it so quickly that I didn’t have time to think it through. What! Hmmmmm! Just wait.
The other guy cuts in, “The women I have been with have probably been between 18 and 25 over the last year or so, and they are usually pleasant, polite and seem eager for me to have a good time. I sometimes request the same woman to come back again, but it is not really that important. I like to have variety as I do not want to get too attached to any of these girls”.
My third friend has this to say, “About six years ago, I went to Lagos with four single friends for a colleague’s marriage. We said we were going to a nightclub, but I think we all knew beforehand that we had also been keen to sleep with a prostitute while we were there. So late into Saturday night, we all split up and wandered through the glass doorways, which had women posing behind them. It took me a while to pick the girl I wanted, and the whole experience felt a bit like having the oil changed on my car; it was quick, it was pedestrian and I really did not feel much. I do not remember thinking about the woman’s situation and why she was making money that way. I think most guys presume that the woman is well-paid and is doing it by choice, that is what we want to believe anyway”. Hmmmmm! Can you comprehend that?
Behold, the fourth guy really threw me into cogitation. As good-looking as he is, he insists on seeing a particular escort every couple of weeks rather than finding himself a girlfriend to settle down and enjoy life with. “Why?” Bonano asked, “Why do you insist on paying a woman who cares nothing for you to keep you company and get your rocks off?”
“Because,” he replied, “she brings no emotional baggage to the table, or bed as the case may be. I don’t have to listen to her problems; she listens to mine, and best of all, she can give most men a run for their money. And all I have to do is give up a few thousand naira. Not a bad investment, right?” It’s cost-effective. So, I gathered, sometimes women simply aren’t worth the headache. And considering some of the women I know, some guys would probably pay them just to go away. Hmmmmm! Bonano then begins to imagine here.
This guy is probably like some other guy who will pick up the phone, give his credit card information and begin to talk with a call girl. His intentions are to get a quick release and then go about his business. As he begins to talk to her, she becomes more interesting. Her words are not just sexual but make him feel connected. The phone calls then become more regular and lengthy; some calls do not even involve him having a sexual release. He finds himself connecting with her, maybe even wanting to see her.
This man may be any woman’s husband who has lost a connection with his wife. He may still be having sex with his wife, but has lost the intimacy involved, the love, understanding and caring. He is lonely but does not even realise it; this ‘Aristo’ girl on the other line makes him feel better about himself. She listens to him, compliments him and makes him feel like a man with her intimate words and sexy, sweet voice.
In this day and age, where marriage often becomes the last relationship that couples work at, it slowly erodes over the years. The couple has children, a job, responsibilities, bills, and no time for the marriage itself. Women have the advantage over men when it comes to connections in their lives; they have other women to talk to, hug, cry with, and laugh with.
Men, on the other hand, do not have those same connections with other men, and so they continue to grind their teeth in emotional agony and face serious health challenges. Oftentimes, they have no other person in their life but their wife, whom they hardly open up to emotionally, with fear of being reproached. When a husband loses his connection with his wife, he will begin to feel alone and seek out the emotional intimacy through sex that he will pay for through a call girl, ‘Aristo babe’ or other women.
Many times, these encounters are really about a husband or a guy needing the intimacy, the closeness, but not understanding how to achieve this with his wife or girlfriend anymore. The responsibility is on both a husband and wife or a guy and his girlfriend to communicate with each other, and take the time to make the marriage a priority. If you find that you are a man feeling this way, take the time to work on your marriage and set up a date night with your wife. If you are a wife and feel your husband is slipping away, do something about it, take the initiative, because the men are slipping away!
Bonano’s submission is that it is an uncomfortable conclusion that “privileged men are generally not marginalised or threatened due to their sexual behaviour”. “In contrast, customers associated with street prostitution are likely to have fewer financial and social resources.” Prostitution-seeking is a “conventional aspect” of male sexual behaviour; promoting prostitution does not reinforce the dominant sociological status of men; in fact, this is what a renowned psychologist, known as Foucault, called “the psychiatrization of perverse pleasure.”
