Dear Jumai,
Long-distance relationships will never be an option for me again, not even in another lifetime. I never knew masturbation could become so addictive until I started that journey. Honestly, I’m tired of it, because I never feel happy afterwards; the guilt is killing me.
It all started when I was in a long-distance relationship at university (I’ve since graduated). We sent naughty videos and pictures, video-called while bathing, and even touched ourselves during calls to ease the sexual tension.
I didn’t know I was setting myself up for a habit I’d struggle to break. The relationship ended four years ago, but the habit has stayed. I’ve tried stopping, I deleted Twitter, avoided sexual content online for long periods, but temptation finds its way back in different forms, and before I know it, I’m back at it.
I’m honestly tired. It feels like my life is ruined, even though I believe it’s not. I need advice. How do I stop? John
Dear John
You’re dealing with a habit that has become ingrained over time, and the guilt you feel afterwards is a clear sign that it’s something you want to overcome. The challenge is that your mind has been conditioned to link certain triggers and boredom, loneliness, and sexual thoughts to the act itself, especially because it started as part of your long-distance relationship.
Breaking that pattern will take patience, persistence, and self-compassion. You’ve already tried limiting exposure to sexual content, which is a good start, but you also need to replace the habit with something that satisfies you more healthily, whether that’s exercise, hobbies, or deeper social connections.
Accountability can help too. Don’t focus on punishing yourself for relapses; focus on the progress you’re making, no matter how small. Over time, the pull will weaken, but it requires staying consistent and believing that change is possible.
I Will Cheat If She Doesn’t Satisfy My Sexual Urges
Dear Jumai,
I’m 25 and own my own business. I started crushing on my wife-to-be in 2018 during my days in school, but never approached her until the period of our internship. She told me she was in a relationship, so I respected that and moved on.
We met again during HND. By then, I was dating someone else but didn’t see a future with her. Seeing my crush again changed everything. I asked her to dinner, and she agreed. During our conversation, she revealed she had broken up with her boyfriend because it was a long-distance relationship and he was older than her.
At the time, I had just opened my business and was financially stable. I approached her again, she accepted, and although she was scared because of how she had treated me before, I told her to forget the past. That night, she asked me what could make me cheat. I told her the truth: lack of sex. She promised we’d have sex three times a week. But after graduation and relocation, she changed. I can’t kiss or hug her without forcing it, and I practically have to beg for intimacy.
When I ask what’s wrong, she says “nothing.” Meanwhile, I’ve opened a shop for her, and we’re getting married next year. The problem is, I don’t think she can satisfy my sexual needs in the long run. I don’t want to cheat, but it feels like my only options are: Call off the wedding and break up, or go ahead with the wedding and cheat. We already have a one-year-old son. I need advice. Godwin
Dear Godwin,
What you’re facing is a serious red flag, and it needs to be addressed before you get married. Sexual compatibility is a core part of a healthy relationship, and if you’re already feeling this frustrated and disconnected now, marriage is likely to magnify the problem, not solve it.
You need to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your intimacy concerns, without accusations, and try to understand why she has withdrawn physically. It might be something deeper, emotional distance, stress, health issues, or even a shift in how she views intimacy, but unless it’s discussed and resolved, resentment will grow.
Cheating will only create more pain and mistrust. So, if the issue can’t be fixed, it’s better to face that reality now than to walk into a marriage knowing you’ll be unfulfilled and tempted.
With a child involved, the stakes are higher, but that also makes it more important to build a relationship that is healthy in all aspects, not just for you but for the family you’re raising.
