Dear Jumai,
I was in a relationship before with a man I loved deeply, but he never truly valued me. I gave him everything, my time, my trust, my affection, yet he always made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I tried to fix things, hoping he would change, but he only took my kindness for granted. When it ended, I felt broken and used.
After some time, I met someone new. He’s completely different, patient, thoughtful, and caring. He treats me with respect and seems to genuinely love me. But the problem is… I can’t seem to let my guard down. Every time he shows me affection, a small voice in my head whispers that it might not last, that one day he’ll hurt me too.
Sometimes, I become cold and distant for no reason. I don’t mean to, but I find myself testing him, expecting him to fail. I know he’s trying, but I’m scared that my fears and bitterness from the past will ruin this relationship.
I really like him, maybe even love him, but I don’t know how to trust a man again or believe that love can be genuine. Please, what can I do? Ife
Dear Ife,
First, I want you to know that everything you’re feeling is valid. You were wounded deeply, and wounds like that don’t just vanish when a new love appears. You are not unlovable; you are simply healing, and sometimes, healing makes us cautious, unsure, and even a little afraid to receive what we once gave so freely.
The truth is, when someone breaks us, we often start to believe that love itself is unsafe. But love is not what hurts you; the wrong person did. You must separate the man who misused your love from the beautiful act of loving itself.
You’re now with someone who seems to see your worth, and that’s a gift. But it’s also a test of whether you can allow yourself to believe in good things again. The walls you’ve built once protected you from pain, but now they are blocking peace and connection. It’s time to start dismantling them, piece by piece.
Start by being honest with him. Let him know that your coldness isn’t rejection, it’s fear. Good men don’t run from truth; they walk closer to understand it. Let him see your vulnerability. It’s not a weakness. It’s courage wearing softness.
Secondly, take small steps toward trust. Trust doesn’t come all at once; it grows through consistent actions. Notice the little things he does: the patience, the kindness, the respect and allow those to gently convince your heart that this love might be different.
Also, learn to heal independently of him. Your healing should not depend on how perfectly he treats you, but on how intentionally you choose to love yourself again. Reconnect with who you are outside of pain – the woman who still deserves joy, laughter, and tenderness.
Forgive the man who hurt you, not because he deserves it, but because you deserve peace. As long as resentment lives inside you, it will keep whispering lies about the good people who try to love you.
Remember, love after heartbreak requires both faith and courage. You don’t have to rush into full trust, but don’t let fear become the loudest voice in your story. You are worthy of a love that feels safe and you are also responsible for allowing it in.
Give this new relationship a fair chance. Let it be a reminder that broken things can still be beautiful and that a scarred heart can still beat with hope.
